huffingtonpost - 13 hours ago

When you’re in a long-term relationship with someone who earns a lot more, it can be hard to know how is best to balance finances.In the spirit of fairness, you might want to split outgoings – things like bills, mortgage or rent payments, and childcare costs – 50/50.But if one person earns thousands more each month, and the other is shouldering much of the mental load, looking after kids, and general running of the household (a series of largely unpaid tasks), resentment can start to grow. Such is the case for one parent, who took to Reddit to explain that since having a baby, they are “realising how tricky it is to balance money fairly”.The parent said their husband earns more, but they provide “most of the childcare” having cut back on work. “We’ve always split things 50/50, but that doesn’t feel right anymore especially when I’m handling most of the day-to-day stuff at home,” they noted.“We’ve talked about it a few times, but it always ends up feeling awkward. He doesn’t want me to feel like I ‘depend’ on him, and I don’t want him to feel like I’m keeping score.”But the imbalance is “starting to quietly weigh on both of us”.“I handle most of the childcare, meals, and scheduling, while he covers more of the bills. But I can’t tell if that’s really balanced or just temporary,” they explained.“How do other parents handle this kind of situation without either person feeling guilty or resentful?”It’s such a loaded topicGender inequality is very much alive and kicking in the UK and the gender pay gap isn’t closing fast enough. “At the current rate, it will take another 44 years to close,” said Jane van Zyl, CEO of Working Families.“That means multiple generations of women, especially mothers and carers, will continue to earn less, save less, and retire with less.”She said when one parent steps back from paid work to care for children, the financial gap “can feel like a chasm” – and in a lot of cases, it can force the lower paid parent to either reduce their hours or step out of work altogether.Research from the charity found women are twice as likely as men to reduce hours for childcare and nine in 10 part-time workers are women.“Over time, this compounds into the motherhood penalty, and by the time their first child is 20, mothers earn 30% less than similarly educated fathers,” van Zyl said.Data from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) found the motherhood penalty costs women an eye-watering average of £65,618 in lost earnings in the five years after the birth of their first child. The more children you have, the greater the loss of money. Not only is this hard to swallow for the partner who is left out of pocket, but “even in loving, equal relationships, uneven earnings can create tensions,” said van Zyl. “Who pays for what? Who contributes to savings? Who gets to make the financial decisions? And when one partner is financially dependent, how do you ensure power dynamics don’t shift in damaging ways?”In couples where dads stay at home to look after the kids, or shoulder more of the childcare responsibility, the dynamic can shift in other ways, too.Vicky Reynal is a psychotherapist and the author of Money on your Mind: the Psychology behind your Financial Habits. She told HuffPost UK: “Some clients have confessed to me that despite valuing their husband’s contribution at home, the dynamic has had an impact on attraction and intimacy.“Men too have admitted having found it difficult (and even emasculating) to be the one bringing less money to the family as if the financial contribution feels to them like an integral part of being the ‘father’.”There’s a lot to unpack – and money is tied to feelings of power, security, and sense of worth, noted the therapist. So conversations can feel very emotionally loaded.How to talk about financial imbalances as a coupleThe key takeaway here is that you do need to talk about it – don’t just brush it under the carpet so resentment can fester.Kickstart the conversation with curiosity, advised Reynal. Explore whether the dynamic is uncomfortable, and if so why that is. How does your partner feel about it? Don’t dismiss anyone’s feelings – this is simply a space to listen.The therapist advised that it might help to name the imbalance openly rather than tiptoeing around it. You could say something like, “I know we contribute in different ways – can we talk about how to make sure it still feels fair?”She advises choosing a calm, neutral time (not mid-argument or at the end of a long day), and approach it with a desire to understand and reconcile differences.While couples often jump straight to the “how” of managing money, the therapist noted it’s “just as important to talk about what the dynamic triggers in them so that the solution can address the right issue”. You might want to mull over...What does “fairness” look like for you both right now?For one person, equality might matter more than fairness. “Sometimes men insist on contributing equally despite earning less because it would feel an attack on their masculinity to do differently,” said the therapist.“A partner who grew up watching siblings always get the bigger room, first choice, or a bigger slice of the inheritance might also be seeking equality in their marriage dynamic. The point is that a discussion on fairness vs equality is a start.”How do you each feel about the imbalance? There might be invisible contributions like childcare, housework, or even emotional labour that should be recognised alongside financial ones.Jane van Zyl suggested treating childcare as a shared responsibility, not just a cost. “It’s an investment in your family’s future, and in both parents’ careers. Frame it that way from the start,” she said. The Working Families CEO added that recognising the value of invisible labour also matters, something Reynal agrees with.“Is the main breadwinner acknowledging, recognising and showing gratitude for the non-financial contribution of their partner?” asked the therapist. “These conversations aren’t about keeping score, but about making sure both partners feel respected and seen.”There are conversations to be had around power and control, tooFor van Zyl, it’s crucial to also equally share access to finances and decision-making, whether that’s joint accounts, shared savings plans or financial planning conversations, so both partners feel informed and empowered.It’s also worth noting that what might feel supportive from one person’s perspective (for example, saying you will wire a set amount of money to your partner’s account so they have cash to spend) can feel “controlling” to another person, suggested Reynal – especially if they have a history with partners who demanded full transparency and no privacy in spending.Is the answer fully merging finances?In response to the original Reddit post, a few commenters suggested fully merging finances so both parties are able to put all their money into the same pot, and then have all outgoings coming from that, as well as a fair divide of money to spend on themselves each month.Reynal noted that while merging finances works well for some couples, it’s not the only route to fairness.“What matters more than the system itself is whether both partners feel a sense of shared ownership and equal voice in financial decisions, but also a good enough sense of autonomy,” she said.“Some couples use joint accounts for shared expenses but keep individual accounts for autonomy. The contributions into the joint account may vary and reflect the imbalance in income, but I have seen all sort of variations on this: joint account for shared expenses but then the main breadwinner paying the ‘big ticket items’ like holidays, rent or school fees.“Others fully merge finances but schedule regular check-ins to keep things balanced.”She concluded: “The structure matters less than the psychological experience of fairness, trust and agency.” Related... I Chucked My Sister Out Of My Home After Her Money Comment. Was I Wrong? I Wish I d Known About Renting Baby Gear Sooner – It Would ve Saved Me Serious Cash I Was Only 13 When I Lost My Parents Money To A Scam

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